Funniest satire joke or sarcasm

A person entered a local hotel breakfast room and called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. He then ordered,"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

collected Maths jokes

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Wow. Nice belt!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is < 0!"

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!

The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"

"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: "It's a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!"
The girl replies: "No - it's a cosin, silly!!!"

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them.
"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone.
"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place."
The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.
The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.
In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..."
"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Which software is better: Husband 1.0 or Boyfriend 5.0

Dear Tech support:

Last year, I upgraded my personal software from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product detail.

I've tried using Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please? I am very desperate. Need help immediately
-Jane


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about but it is mostly due to a simple misconception.
Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the programfiles from the system, once it is installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year because Husband 1.0 has very limited memory.  Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3.I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.  Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).  This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of root cause.  To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!  Avoid excessive use of this feature.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a  C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it canonly intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.  Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!  Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.  I hope these notes have helped you al lot

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.  We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
-Tech support

Who is rich?

One day a father of a wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country to show his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days on the farm of a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip son?". He replied, "It was great, Dad.".  "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked to his son. "Oh yeah" said the son. "So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four." "We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end."  "We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have stars at night." "Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon." "We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight." "We have servants who serve us, but they serve others." "We buy our food, but they grow their own." "We have walls around our property to protect us, but they have friends to protect them." Hearing this the boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."

Moral: Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession? It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks to God for all the bounty we have been provided by Him, instead of worrying about wanting more. May God bless each and every one of us. Take joy in all He has given each and every one of us.

Luck is no excuse

Hey check out this video created by Hexor, one of the DotA players. This video rocks dude. If you are in to DotA or warcraft, You should at least watch the video once which will give you a difference between luck and pro-ism. Have fun.

The funniest blonde jokes

(1)There was a woman who had entered the "Who wants to be a millionaire" contest. She had done very good and had won $500000. There was the last question in the host's hand which could win her $1000000. Now the asked the question " which bird doesn't builds it's own nest?". The options were:-
1. Crow
2. Cuckoo
3. Pigeon
4. Swan

She was so nervous that she couldn't possibly think of a right answer. Her only lifeline left was "phone a friend". Unfortunately her only friend was a blonde. As she had no other options she called her blonde friend. Now after asking the question she immediately answered cuckoo without even listening to the choices. As she seemed so confident she confirmed with the answer "cuckoo" and won $1000000.
As her great achievement she threw a party where her blonde friend was also invited. Due to curiosity she asked her friend how did she know the answer and was so confident. The blonde replied," It's easy. Don't you know that cuckoo lives in clock." Hearing this her friend fainted.....

(2)A blonde and a lawyer are flying in a plane. The lawyer seeing that she was a blonde asked her if she liked to play a game. She replied,"No". He said that the game was very interesting and said that he would ask a question and if she doesn't know the answer then she would have to give him $5 and vice versa. She still replied no. Now he again said that if she couldn't answer the question then she'd have to give him $5 but if he couldn't answer the question he'd give her $500. This time she agrees to play. Now he asks," what is the .distance between earth and sun?". She hands him five dollars. Now she asks him," What is the thing that goes up hill with 4 legs but comes back with 3." He is taken aback because he has never heard that question. He takes his laptop and searches through every search site but there is no answer. He calls his intellectual friend but none of them have the answer. So he gives her $500. Now after a long time there is silence, then he asks her what the answer was. Then she hands hims five dollars.....

Children's logic

1. A wife had invited some of her relatives to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife said. The daughter bowed her head and then said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
2. Mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Ram and Laxman. Ram was older than Shyam. The boys began to argue to get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She told them If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Shyam turned to his younger brother and said, "Shyam, you be Jesus."
3. A three year old kid put on his shoes by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "Don't kid with me, Mom. They are the only feet I have got!."
4. On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said to the kids, "If anyone has to go to the toilet, then  hold up two fingers." A little boy stood up and asked, "How will that help?"
5. A mother and her son returned from the grocery store. The boy began to open the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat it if the seal was broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."