Selected Medical humour

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Three patients are awaiting surgery at the hands of three different surgeons.
Surgeon 1: "I'm glad this patient is a librarian--his organs will be in alphabetical order."
Surgeon 2: "How nice for me, my patient is a mathematician, so his organs will be properly numbered and I need not search."
Surgeon 3: "Ha! Mine is the easiest case around and the fastest. My patient is a politician--gutless, spineless, and heartless!"

A psychiatrist is interviewing a patient on the psych ward who is standing on his bed with his hand in his shirt.
Psychiatrist: So, who do you think you are?
Patient: Napoleon!
Psychiatrist: Why do you think you're Napoleon?
Patient: Because God told me.
Voice from the next bed: I did not!

Mr. and Mrs. Carrot were walking down the street when a truck jumped the curb and ran over Mrs. Carrot. She was rushed to a trauma center and taken to surgery. Finally an exhausted surgeon comes out and says " Mr. Carrot, your wife is alive but, I'm sorry, she will be a vegetable for the rest of her life."

A young enthusiastic doctor in an infertility clinic was taking a detailed history from an infertile couple. When it came to the past history he seriously inquired if there was any history of infertility in either of their parents!

Doctor to Patient, "I have a bad news and a very bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?"
Patient, "Lets start with the bad news ."
Doctor, "Well, The lab results say you have 24 hours to live."
Patient, "That's terrible! What can be worse than that?"
Doctor, "Well, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Patient: "Doc when I drink my tea I always feel a pain in my right eye."
Doctor: "Next time remove the spoon before you drink your tea."

There was a woman who went to the doctor's with a terrible pain in her head. After examining her and rinning test he called her in and said, "I'm sorry, but you've got an incurable disease and you're going to die in six months".
The woman was aghast and said, "Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?" "Yes", the doctor said, on reflection. "Marry a lawyer. It'll be the longest six months of your life."

During a 1st-year MBBS practical gross anatomy examination:
A specimen of the uterus is kept for discussion and the student is unable to identify it. The examiner gives him a clue.
Examiner: "Man, this is something that neither you nor I have."
Student: "It's a brain, Sir!!

Patient (for surgery): "Doctor, is the surgery going to be painful?"
Surgeon: "Of course not. I've done it many times and didn't feel a thing."

The doctor asked the patient if he had been staying on his low- cholesterol diet. The patient replied that he had been eating so many vegetables that yesterday he was sitting on the back porch and his body started leaning toward the sun.