Duck Hunt

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. After a time, a bird came winging overhead.
The first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sight. He said, "Besides, it might have babies. I'll have to do some more investigating," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this a. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?" 

Old age

An old man went to his doctor for pain in his right knee. After examining and not finding anything wrong, the doctor said, "It's due to your age." The patient said, "Well, my left knee is the same age and it does't have any pain."

Difficult situation

HUSBAND AND WIFE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife."What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Doc VS Doc

Two surgeons were talking frankly to each other and the first one says:
Doc 1: Well, to be honest with you, I feel like I am a semi-God.
Doc 2: I don't remember having created you.

Angry Doc

A patient comes into his doctor's office and says "Doctor, Doctor! What does this mean?? I remember what happened 30 years ago, but I can't remember what happened yesterday! What does it mean, Doctor?"
The Doctor replies: "It means you pay your bill before you leave today."

Mistake corrected

General Surgeon to patient, morning after surgery:
Surgeon: Mr Jones, we have some good news and some bad news.
Mr. Jones: Give me the bad first, Doc.
Surgeon: We made a grave mistake and amputated your right leg instead of your left.
Mr. Jones: Oh my gosh!! So what could the good news be?
Surgeon: Your left leg seems to be getting better.

High cost

A vet tells a man that his dog is dead. The man demands a second opinion. The vet brings out a cat. The cat walks all around the body and says, "Meow". The vet then brings in a black Labrador. The Lab paws the body, sniffs, and barks, "Woof." The vet says "They agree with my diagnosis." The man asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. That's $50 for my diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab tests."

Selected Medical humour

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Three patients are awaiting surgery at the hands of three different surgeons.
Surgeon 1: "I'm glad this patient is a librarian--his organs will be in alphabetical order."
Surgeon 2: "How nice for me, my patient is a mathematician, so his organs will be properly numbered and I need not search."
Surgeon 3: "Ha! Mine is the easiest case around and the fastest. My patient is a politician--gutless, spineless, and heartless!"

A psychiatrist is interviewing a patient on the psych ward who is standing on his bed with his hand in his shirt.
Psychiatrist: So, who do you think you are?
Patient: Napoleon!
Psychiatrist: Why do you think you're Napoleon?
Patient: Because God told me.
Voice from the next bed: I did not!

Mr. and Mrs. Carrot were walking down the street when a truck jumped the curb and ran over Mrs. Carrot. She was rushed to a trauma center and taken to surgery. Finally an exhausted surgeon comes out and says " Mr. Carrot, your wife is alive but, I'm sorry, she will be a vegetable for the rest of her life."

A young enthusiastic doctor in an infertility clinic was taking a detailed history from an infertile couple. When it came to the past history he seriously inquired if there was any history of infertility in either of their parents!

Doctor to Patient, "I have a bad news and a very bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?"
Patient, "Lets start with the bad news ."
Doctor, "Well, The lab results say you have 24 hours to live."
Patient, "That's terrible! What can be worse than that?"
Doctor, "Well, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Patient: "Doc when I drink my tea I always feel a pain in my right eye."
Doctor: "Next time remove the spoon before you drink your tea."

There was a woman who went to the doctor's with a terrible pain in her head. After examining her and rinning test he called her in and said, "I'm sorry, but you've got an incurable disease and you're going to die in six months".
The woman was aghast and said, "Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?" "Yes", the doctor said, on reflection. "Marry a lawyer. It'll be the longest six months of your life."

During a 1st-year MBBS practical gross anatomy examination:
A specimen of the uterus is kept for discussion and the student is unable to identify it. The examiner gives him a clue.
Examiner: "Man, this is something that neither you nor I have."
Student: "It's a brain, Sir!!

Patient (for surgery): "Doctor, is the surgery going to be painful?"
Surgeon: "Of course not. I've done it many times and didn't feel a thing."

The doctor asked the patient if he had been staying on his low- cholesterol diet. The patient replied that he had been eating so many vegetables that yesterday he was sitting on the back porch and his body started leaning toward the sun.

Test your IQ

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...answer is at the bottom of this post..































Answer:
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

Letter of recommendation

Letter of recomendation:

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present beside me when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,.......
for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Branch Manager

Funniest satire joke or sarcasm

A person entered a local hotel breakfast room and called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. He then ordered,"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

collected Maths jokes

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Wow. Nice belt!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is < 0!"

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!

The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"

"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!"
"No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

Two math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair. They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.
The boy says: "It's a sin for those people to keep us waiting like this!"
The girl replies: "No - it's a cosin, silly!!!"

The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them.
"Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone.
"That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place."
The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.
The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.
In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..."
"Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Which software is better: Husband 1.0 or Boyfriend 5.0

Dear Tech support:

Last year, I upgraded my personal software from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product detail.

I've tried using Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please? I am very desperate. Need help immediately
-Jane


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about but it is mostly due to a simple misconception.
Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the programfiles from the system, once it is installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year because Husband 1.0 has very limited memory.  Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3.I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.  Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).  This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of root cause.  To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!  Avoid excessive use of this feature.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a  C:\>I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it canonly intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.  Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!  Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.  I hope these notes have helped you al lot

Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.  We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
-Tech support